Humor Break: How to Screw with the NFL's Officials

/

Oooookaaaay folks, let's stop mocking mock drafts and hating on players You Don't Like and put our thinking caps on to see how to use longstanding NFL rules against players, opposing teams, and make life a Living Hell for NFL officials. BTW, why was Hochuli's call, pictured above, not "confirmed" in the first place? There would seem to be good evidence.....

Oh well. No, my idea for now is based on playing under established rules, but pushing them through the edge of hilarious overreach and beyond. Hear me out:

Defenses Shouldn't Care about being Offsides on Goal to Go

I mean REALLY....

Here's the deal. I'm a first-year Defensive Coordinator named EyeKan Muckitup. I see the NFL Rulebook as a dare just waiting to be called a bluff upon, with all their "safety rules" that I'm about to make a complete mockery of because they haven't been fixed yet. Coach Muckitup knows exactly where to hit 'em.

Okay. So the Failcons have the football 3rd and Goal inside our 1-yard line. I simply call "Inside Blitz/Mike Holler" and the defense knows exactly what's up as we've practiced this covertly for weeks.

Meg Ryan steps up to Center, gets ready, but before he can do anything, Luke Kuechly screams "KILL HIM!" At that point, he and the entire defense (except for man-coverage on the WRs) charges....regardless of whether or not the ball is snapped. Here's the sweet part:

If we timed it precisely right, where everyone goes on the first "hut," the offense wouldn't be able to adjust to the quickness of the defense and the play would be annihilated in the backfield before anything can happen and settles for a FG attempt.

If the defense is early, oh well....the penalty is half the distance to the goal, so the referee nudges the ball forward towards the goal line by a foot.

Next play? Ryan walks up to Center, gets set, once again, Luke screams "KILL HIM!" Once again, the defense crashes the play. Once again, if too early/offsides, wow a 6-inch penalty big whoop. But if they catch the offense attempting to snap, once again, play would be blown up.

If you get 2 penalties, you've "lost" about a foot and a half at most, and now Matt Ryan is wondering if the mafia didn't buy-out Coach Muckitup or if "BountyGate V 2.0" is going on, but the point here is we're in Matty Melt's head now.

Keep doing it until that series is settled. But wait -- there's more!

On the Failcons' next possession, let Meg Ryan get to a 3rd and short/makeable distance. This time, Coach Mukitup calls "4-3 base/Mike Holler."

Well, ole Matty Melt is likely still thinking about the LAST short-yardage situation at the goal line, and appears to approach the Center rather gingerly and "looking around" for Boogeymen or something. He gets set, calls "hut," just as Luke Kuechly again yells "KILL HIM!!"

Only thing is, this time, the defense doesn't budge. Meanwhile, the Atlanta O-line is all flinching and cringing while Matty Melt falls down.

5-yard penalty against the offense....false start.

It's now third and long.

Enjoy those "rules committee meetings" next offseason there, NFL folks.....oh, and make sure they all fly United Airlines!

 

Follow me on Twitter @Ken_Dye