Starbucks’ coffee sucks. It does, and I’m not talking about the fru-fru iced, flavored, yuppie stuff. I’m talking about the regular brew. In perfect hipster fashion, Starbucks tried really hard to differentiate itself from others by over-roasting their coffee beans, which creates a burnt and bitter tasting cup of joe. Yea it’s unique, but it’s also literally bad coffee.
It’s not just the coffee that’s bitter today in Seattle. As Spike Lee described, these “motherfuckin’ hipsters” who have had sourface all day as they’ve muscled down their bitter brew as they explained away the beating they suffered in Carolina. I guess it’s understandable. If you can justify paying $4 for a cup of bad coffee, I’m sure you’ll find a way to rationalize that loss away.
Most likely sitting around Capital Hill in skinny jeans, Seahawks fans complained about the Panthers field:
They next turned their discussion to the late Seattle effort, which they believed indicated their greater strength. Seattle Times’ Matt Colvin wrote, “Based on that second half, you can’t help but think that everyone in that locker room feels they’re the better team. They weren’t run off the field — they just ran out of clock.” Colvin continues, “Tough losses are common. And according to the line in Vegas, the Panthers’ victory wasn’t even an upset. But after those last couple of quarters, it might be hard to find gamblers who would pick against the Hawks in a rematch.”
It wasn’t Carolina who beat them, it was their failure to play to their potential. No, it wasn’t the 31 point drubbin first-half drubbing the Panthers put on them, it was that there wasn’t enough time.
Adding to the 60 minutes wasn’t enough time cry, the time of day was another problem. For The Win’s Chris Chase criticized, “it’s still pretty awful for Seattle that they had to play a 1 p.m. ET game on wild-card weekend (which was a 12 p.m. CT kickoff in Minneapolis and a 10 a.m. PT start) and another one, this time all the way across the country, in the divisional round against Carolina.” They could have put the game on Saturday, Chase claimed, which would have made at “earliest, a 1 p.m. PT kickoff.”
Sara wasn’t alone. “By stealing that fan's 12th man flag, Cam only added to his reputation as an arrogant jerk. You would never see Russell Wilson doing something like that,” another whined. More baristas sneered:
I've never really had a problem with the Seahawks before now. Sure they got the best of the Panthers too often, but the games were always tough battles between teams similar styles. It always seemed like steel sharpening steel.
This past week, however, has moved me in a different direction. Seahawk fans starting appearing on my timeline, leaving pretentious comments about Carolina's over-confidence. They claimed that we were cocky and that we should be afraid:
I have never experienced such a high level of Twitter salt leading up to a game from a fan base - than I have from panthers fans.— Evan Hill (@evan_hill1) January 17, 2016
I haven’t @ mentioned any of these cats since Carolina put it on them Sunday, but before they start typing out their snobbish responses to this post, let me just finish by setting a few things straight.
BBQ is a noun, not a fusion food. I’m also too cool for Starbucks, but not because it isn’t as hip as Stumptown Coffee Roasters, but because Eight O’Clock is a solid brew. I’ve also already downloaded Yelp’s Hipster Heatmap to help avoid your further whining about this game and this post. Last, the Carolina Panthers are some country-strong boys that punched ya’ll in your hipster mouths.
By the Professor, aka Tony Dunn
Follow him on Twitter @Cat_Chronicles